Congratulations, guy! After months, maybe years of searching high (sober too), and low, in smoky bars, singles clubs, and truck stops, you have finally found “her,” the girl of your dreams. You are on top of Mt. Everest, the tallest point in the world! You cannot eat, sleep, work for thinking about your new love, the girl who, with one look, turned you life around, upside down, and made you have butterflies in your stomach. That’s her alright.
Now you are so happy that you are worried that something is going to ruin this perfect relationship straight from Heaven that has taken you so long to find. Relax. Enjoy the sweet bliss of holding this angel in your arms, kissing her full, red lips, caressing her long, blond (or brunette) hair. Listening to her soft, silken, melodic voice. You deserve it. You are a decent, mostly-hard working guy with an average moral compass. You pay your taxes. Some years. Savor each phone call, email, and date. That’s what I advise you to do right now.
For mister, the storm clouds are beginning to form right over your head. The tide is breaking at your feet. And you are so in love that your are clueless, oblivious, and unaware of life around you at this moment. I would advise you, as someone who has been down this road many times, that you need to wake up. Now. There is trouble coming and you will not stand a chance if you do not listen to what I am saying in this story that is so vital that Hugh Hefner, if he had read this, would not be without his 25-year-old, perky blond playmate that left him high and dry. I am serious, guy.
This story, although may look, and read like a comedy screenplay for Woody Allen, is very deceiving. This story contains ways that I have discovered that if you use them, and commit them to memory, will save you a long-suffering, sob-story hangover you received when your best buddy, “Cliff,” a known whore monger, took you to a smoky, cheap dive, “Sailor Don’s” on the ocean front one cold Saturday night. And best friend, Cliff, actually spent his own money on buying you Cutty-Sark scotch whiskey (neat), so many you forgot, to help you forget “her” the once-perfect “10” halo and all, who ruined your life–socially and professionally when she, out of the blue, looked at you with her icy-blue eyes and for no sensible reason, broke up with you. Yeah. Sad times. That could been avoided if you had only read buddiesfuck.com blockbuster story entitled,
“11 Proven Ways To Know That Your Girlfriend Wants To Dump You.”
1. SHE SAYS, “WE NEED TO TALK ,” these four words said by any woman–married or single, strike fear into any man’s heart. Even Clark Kent a/k/a Superman. No, ‘we need to talk’ session ever goes well for most men. This is an average moral man’s kryptonite. A woman’s verbal weapon to bring your world down to ashes. Suttle. Soft. Deadly. A break-up is imminent when your girlfriend calls you at work almost at quitting time, invites you to her place for dinner that she has cooked. Look out, guys. This is a deadly trap. First sign of something being wrong is that your girlfriend cannot cook. She can burn water. She loves to order in. When you hear these words, just make up a reason that you cannot come to her place. Say that you are going out of town to see a medical specialist for some unknown ailment that you never told her about to keep her, your little, “snuggie woogie,” happy and not worried. This stall tactic will give you time to look over what written agreements you might have made with her about checking accounts, cash, vinyl LP’s, you know. Important things. Be smart, no a sap. Be wise to “we need to talk.”
2. WHEN YOU CALL HER – you can definitely hear a man’s voice, maybe two men’s voices in the background. You ask her casually who these men are and she quickly and nervously says, “Ohhh, cutesy, they are old friends of uh, my dad. They are staying with me for a few weeks until they find a place to live.” Notice she said, ‘uh,’ after ‘old friends’ that is a dead give-away that you are bound to be dumped. And why did she laugh so much and talk more to these guys in the background than she talked to you? I’m telling you. Don’t be loser on the sidewalk Sunday morning with a pounding head and no self-esteem. Cut your losses. Hang up and move on.
3. WHEN YOU TWO ARE KISSING – she has that far-away look in her eyes. Now do not fool yourself. You are not that great of a kisser. Your first kiss was with Margie Roofstettler in the second grade and she came down with the flu, so you better take charge now. Ask her, “What are you thinking about?” If she says this–just like this, “Oh, nothing,” then she IS thinking of something. Maybe someone else. Women are not going to stay with a guy long if he is not taking care of her every need. All the time. Even skipping work to make her feel like a queen. Sooner or later, possibly sooner, she is headed for a Fabio-type of man. Even an old Fabio. You had better keep her eyes looking at you when you are kissing. And other times too.
4. SHE IS DISTANT – over dinner in a lavish, high-end restaurant. And the tip-off that she is ready to dump you is when you try to get her attention, she says, “Do what, Bill?” Then it’s obvious. She is ready to dump you right then and there. Your name is NOT Bill, but Bruce. And her dad, brother, or nephews or uncles do not have the name Bill. Need I lead you by the hand, buddy? It’s nearing time for you to get dumped, so do this, look across the restaurant, throw down your napkin and say, “Hey, hon, sorry. I’m needed somewhere” and leave. If you are a doctor, policeman, or special agent for Uncle Sam, this will work fine, but if you are a C.P.A., you might as well to sit and take it.
5. INSTEAD OF A ROMANTIC GET-AWAY – for the weekend with you, she had rather spend the entire weekend with her college roommate, “Shelly,” wear sweats, drink lots of tequila, eat chocolate ice cream, and talk. For hours on end. And tells you that she would appreciate it if you wouldn’t call her at Shelly’s for Shelly is a really-depressed girl. Funny, last weekend, you and your soon-to-be-ex saw Shelly lap-dancing at a club. Thing was, Shelly is not an exotic dancer.
6. WHEN YOU COME TO HER APARTMENT – to pick her up for what you think will be a hot date, you notice that the pretty roses and expensive card you bought for her birthday yesterday is in the trash can in her living room in plain sight. She knows that you will see this for she has not pushed the roses into the trash can stems first. And to further insult you, she had shredded the expensive card by hand. Then when you are ready for an emotional melt-down, she suddenly breaks the date–says she feels she is coming down something while still yakking on the phone with “Hal,” a married man coworker. But she makes a vocal blunder in saying, “I’m going out with someone, eerr, coming down with something–(fake coughs here),” Yes. Time for you to make tracks. Avoid the crushing axe on the neck. Get out of there now.
7. WHEN YOU RING HER DOORBELL – she throws open the door and says, “What do you want?” An hour ago she was going to let you take her to the opera. Some way to greet boyfriend, eh, Mr. Dumpee? You had better talk to her about her anger issues before you are torn to sheds, dumped, and thrown into the dumpster in the alleyway.
8. SHE TELLS YOU SHE IS SICK – the night before on the phone. To surprise her, you take her some tasty Chinese food to cheer her up only to find “Joe,” a supposedly-old friend of the family sitting on her love seat and her dressed in a slinky evening gown, pearls, and looking great. She looks disgusted when she answers the door. “Honey, uh, thought you would like some of your favorite Chinese food,” you foolishly say. She grits her teeth, “Joe” caves over laughing at you, and your “girl” says, “Well, to back and get “uncle Joe,” some of this food. How selfish can one be? Really?” Don’t be a fool. Do not get “Joe” any Chinese food. Just get into your car. Drive. A long way. So far that you cannot walk back to town. Your relationship is over. On the rocks. Finished.
9. YOUR SOON-TO-BE-EX – suddenly takes an interest in male body building. Not as a competitor, but as the girl who rubs oil on these hunks’ muscular bodies. And gets angry on the spot when you ask, “Why do you have to go home with Mr. Steel Buns, dear?” This is a sure-sign that she has already dumped you. And please. Show some self-respect. Do not try to impress her to win her back by trying to lift the front end of your Toyota Camry.
10. SHE DEMANDS – your most lucrative credit card and leaves with a girl from the corner bar for a “girls out” weekend. You know that she is about to dump you for her “girls’ out” weekend lasts for two months. And the expensive credit card bills are enough to give you a stroke. On top of that, when she does get back, she comes to your apartment to introduce you to, “El Juan,” one of her foreign uncles she never told you about. Your soon-to-be-ex is sure an affectionate girl for she keeps French kissing El Juan while you watch.
I have one more tip for you, guys:
11. IF YOU FIND OUT FROM A FRIEND THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S NICKNAME – is “the dump truck,” and has a long record of dumping nice guys, then you need a new girlfriend. Understand? Do you understand?
Guys, if these “11 Proven Ways To Know That Your Girlfriend Wants To Dump You,” are not helpful to you, then you must enjoy the agony of being dumped by girls who use you for your money, food, and car, only to call you her “cute little welcome mat.”